A Glimpse Into This Moment

I haven't posted on this simple blog in a long time. Why? Because I am afraid.

I am a simple young woman with many fears. I fear what you will think. I worry that my words will not lift you. I am ashamed of the clumsiness of my words and the unsteadiness of my hands as I type. But today, in this moment, I am putting aside those fears.

There is scant light in this room and a soft glow is emanating from the screen. I type timidly, not wanting to wake my sleeping sister in her hospital bed. The pillows piled so high and blankets layered so thick that I can just see a glimpse of her forehead.

The serenity of this scene is newly established. Just moments ago I was holding Faithe's hand as she lay shivering and murmuring in pain. Those are the moments that hurt me the most. There I stand, at her bedside, perfectly healthy and well. Unable to do a thing but hold her hand tight and hope that somehow the deepness of my love for her can course through my fingers into her and help her find relief. I wanted to cry and tears threateningly filled my eyes. But I held them in. For her. Even now, as I type, they fill my eyes and blur the screen. And, I must confess, one escaped.

There have been many scenes like this. So many in this past year that they seem to all string together like one of those old fashioned film rolls. I do not tell you this to gain your sympathy or condolences. I just want to let you  know that Christ's peace is real.

I have felt it. I feel it now. Even as my heart feels like it is about to break, I feel His peace. It is a gift more precious to me than any Earthly thing.

Throughout this year, I have often hungered for security. I wished for Faithe's health to be steady and secure. I longed to establish daily routines for her care that would allow for progress. The unexpected hospital stays and bad news gnawed at my heart. I thought that security would bring peace. But it doesn't. He, Jesus Christ, the Savior of this world brings peace.

There are two scriptures that have always brought me up. Even as I read them for the millionth time, peace and joy and love enters my heart. First, in John chapter 14 verse 27:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Of all the things I could try to say about this, all I have to say is simply: It's true. I have felt this peace. I have felt HIS peace. I feel it now. And in a world of chaos and among great tumult, His peace is secure. Is this not one of His most precious gifts?! That we, though we know so little of the world and the future, might have peace. The beauty of this promise fills my heart and gives me courage again.

I pray that you, wherever you are reading this and whoever you are, might feel of His peace. The future is uncertain but what is certain is that He will be there. Today, Tomorrow, and Always. May we have the strength to stand by His side and bear well our trials.

The nurse just came in and we're going to try to re-position Faithe in her bed so she is in less pain, so I shall just leave you all with this incredible scripture in John, chapter 16, verse 33:

"In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

Snowflakes

Thoughts are like snowflakes.

You and your friends are in a field as it starts to snow. You look up with wonder as the snowflakes fall from the sky. Reaching up, you catch one in your palm. As it melts, you admire the intricate design.

You experienced a snowflake that no one else did. A lot of thoughts will be fleeting. Like just staring at all the snowflakes as they tumble down. But other thoughts, special thoughts, you will know more deeply as you think about it. The thought deepens the longer you think about it. Similarly, the longer you look at the snowflake the more of it you see.

Thoughts are delicate too, just like snowflakes.

Some people go through life just looking at the snowflakes. They never know the joy of thinking deeply. Of really knowing and exploring a thought. But just try to reach up and catch one. It may be hard at first, but once you catch one, you'll love it. I promise. :)

Hands.

You guys. 

Hands are amazing. 

I went to clean my church the other day, and I had the opportunity to reflect and think on all that has happened these past few weeks as I was cleaning. I caught a glimpse of my hands in the mirror as I was wiping down the counters. They were red and rough. They are small. And I felt the sting of shame. I felt ashamed of these little hands I have. Ashamed that they were not big and strong. Ashamed that they were not soft and gentle. They did not look capable of doing all the things that I hope they will do. With these thoughts swirling in my mind, I suddenly felt very inadequate.

They do not look like the hands of a mighty servant of God. They do not look like the hands of a warrior. They do not look like the hands of a beautiful pianist. They do not look like the hands of a skilled potter. They do not look like the hands of a carpenter.

They look like the hands of Ellie Anderson. Small, inexperienced, and well worn. 

I just stared down at my hands. These little hands. I could not even begin to tell you all the things I have done with them. They've made cards for my siblings, baked cinnamon rolls for a dear friend, scrubbed countless tiles, folded thousands of clothes, cut out hundreds of paper hearts, drawn many faces, and turned thousands upon thousands of pages. And so much more than that.

People have incredible hands, you guys. For reals. Just look at all the things people can do with them!

Aah. It's amazing. Hands are so important to each of us. These hands of mine are so crucial to my life. They are so important. These fingers. These palms.

And palms. The lines they have. I have thought a lot about the lines we have. About the wrinkles we gain. I have a very special place in my heart for the elderly. And I LOVE their hands. Their lines tell a story. When you look at all the lines on their palms, it seems that they all run together to form their pulsing life. Their accomplishments and joys and failures. It all seems to be right there. In the palm of their hand. . .

I want to see God's hands.

I want to feel them.

To trace their lines with my finger.

To feel of His life. 

To sense what He's seen and done.

I want to see God's hands.

To place my little hand in His.

To hold His hand.

To understand.

I want to see God's Hands.

. . .And yet, I have seen them.

"A story is told that during the bombing of a city in World War II, a large statue of Jesus Christ was severely damaged. When the townspeople found the statue among the rubble, they mourned because it had been a beloved symbol of their faith and of God’s presence in their lives.

Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words: 'You are my hands.'"[1]

How powerful that is!!

"As we emulate His perfect example, our hands can become His hands; our eyes, His eyes; our heart, His heart."[1]

I have seen His hands. 

And it's through people. These Christlike people that I have in my life. What beautiful hands they are. 

Think about it. 

You are His hands. 

You, the person reading this in this very moment, are His hands. 

Just think about it!

Let the majesty of that truth sink in. 

Have a beautiful day, my friends. Appreciate your hands a little more, alright? :) 

Being the Mother of a Specially Able Child

I do not like the term disabled. Especially when applied to the beautiful children that I see as specially able. They are not disabled. Their spirits are specially able to lift us, encourage us, and inspire us. The path that they walk is one of pain and heartache, yet they bear it with gladness and teach us with their souls. It is one of the most beautiful and powerful things I have ever seen in my entire life.

My mother is the mother of a specially able child. Today, I want to talk about what that means. This is a glimpse through my eyes. This is how I see things. It may not apply to all cases, but it certainly applies to my mother. So this is what it means to be the mother of a specially able child:

It means joy. It means pain. It means sleepless nights and stressful days. It means you cling to hope. It means you believe in your child and their ability. It means that the first part of your routine is helping your child. It means that the scene of a doctor's office is an all-too-familiar sight to see. It means driving to therapies about once every day, five times a week. It means thousands of doctor's appointments and hundreds of therapies. It means a planner is must and schedules are tight to coordinate. It means loving your child and cherishing the moments you have together. It means fighting for your child with all your mama bear instincts. It means navigating the politics of medicine and figuring who and what is best for your child. It means hospital stays and bad news. It means celebrating the little things. It means holding their hand through life. It means that you believe in God. It means that you believe in miracles, for your precious child is one. It means you hope and you love and you feel deeply. You will never ever give up on your child. You love them fiercely and defend them like a warrior with all the grace and tact in the world. It means you never stop dreaming for them and helping them become.

Ultimately, being the mother of a specially able child means hope. It means you have a firm hope for your child and you do all you can for them.  They deserve the best life they can have, and you strive for that. No matter how dark and hopeless the outlook seems, you see the light. And you pursue it.

That pursuit lasts a lifetime. There are no holidays, no breaks. Not a moment to stop and breathe. It is a 24/7 job that pushes you to your max. There are times when you might break, but you always pull through. Your greatest reward is the sparkle in their eyes, the smile on their face, and hearing them speak those precious words: "I love you." Then, in that moment, it is all worth it. All the pain. All the stress. All the sleepless nights. All the drama. All the hospital stays. All the worry. All of it. It's all worth it. For truly: You love your child.

The most beautiful and strong people that I have ever met are mothers of specially able children. It takes a special kind of soul to love that much, hope for the world, and never stop believing. Their job is thankless, yet it is powerful. If you ever want to know a true woman, meet the mother of a specially able child. They are refined and kind. They will believe in you and fight for you. They will love you. I have been inexpressibly blessed to know many of these mothers. Some I've only known briefly. Others I've become close to. All are brilliant. They are true women. They are true Daughters of God.

To all of these dear and precious and wonderful human beings who are mothers of specially able children:

Thank you. 

Those two words aren't enough to express all the love and thanks in my heart. Thank you for ALL that you do. I can't even list it here. But you know exactly what that means. And I thank you for it. For all of it. You are wonderful. You are so important. You are a breathtaking human being. Thank you for inspiring me. I may only be one person, but this one person sees your struggles and heartaches and how much you care. And I thank you for it. <3

These are just a few of the incredible mothers who I have been talking about: (There are quite a few that I couldn't find pictures of. . .might need to brush up on my social media stalking skills XD :P)









They have touched me and inspired me more than they realize.

Olivia Jensen

Hey there.
Today's different. Why? Because I decided it would be. And isn't that wonderful? :) No really. Today is different on this blog because I'm going to just thank one person very specifically for everything she does and all she is. I am incredibly blessed to have a wonderful human being named Olivia Jensen in my life. This young woman, you all, this young woman is powerful. She's a life changing individual. Her birthday was last week, so this post is a couple days late, but it gave me the opportunity to really ponder on and pick out what I am most thankful for in her.

1) She is passionate. She will greet you with an excitement and happiness that is simply contagious. (All caps greetings are her specialty XD)

     

See what I mean? How lovely she is. :) Her passion for life is so strong and constant. It ignites my own passion. Life is a grand adventure and she is an adventurer in it. She keeps her eyes open to the wonders of the earth and her soul open to the magnificence of the heavens.

2) She is SO INTELLIGENT. Her brilliance is clearly seen. The quality of her thoughts is astounding. The intelligence of this young lady is beyond her years. She is a deep thinker and truth seeker. Her constant ponderings and realizations add to the world she sees. She has a unique perspective. No one can quite see the world like Olivia Jensen.

3) The woman can write! She shares her thoughts in the most beautiful, beautiful form. She has a wonderful blog that I just adore. You will get to see a part of her world and to read of her fantastic ideas. I'm always left pondering and so inspired. Aah. I HIGHLY recommend reading through it. <3

4) She will give you chills and absolutely transport you with her incredible piano skillz. (Yes, I used a z instead of an s. Why? Because I mean it.) Story time, children: I went with Olivia to one of her recitals back in November. It was seriously so incredible. She did a duet with her brother Josh and the two of them just blew my mind. The amount of talent they have is totally unreal. I absolutely loved being there and was just in awe. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. I loved it so much and had such a radical time. <3

5) SHE IS FREAKING GORGEOUS!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH. I cannot even. Just. Ah. Cue influx of Olivia spam. It's the best kind on Earth. :)

  

  

  

  

  

My heart. . . 

6) She has the light of Christ in her and it shines forth in everything she does. She is an absolute light in my life. I have loved going to the Temple with her and speaking of Christ together. She has a scripture for virtually everything. And the most incredible insights on each of them. Her testimony is powerful!!!! You can see it in the way she lives her life. She radiates the light of Christ.

7) She will take time for you. She's got a life and is very busy, but when she makes time for you, she makes time for you. You have her full and undivided attention. I love how valued she makes each person feel. When you are with her, you are truly with her. I feel purely appreciated and listened to whenever I talk with her.

8) She will bring out the best in you. And I mean the VERY best in you. She always makes you feel empowered and encouraged. I have become SO MUCH better than I ever thought I could since I met Olivia. I have been kinder, gentler, and better. I am more thoughtful. I am more selfless. I am more joyful. Oh she has filled my life with such light and goodness. She has inspired me to constantly try a little harder to be a little better. That is truly rare and wonderful.

9) Her art will enthrall you and hold you captive in their magical world for hours. I swear she must know some secret incantations to make her art come to life....or that she's just ridiculously talented. Both are probable. The first time I saw her art was before I even really knew her. My older brother showed it to me. He was impressed and so was I. She is very skillful and I am just so thoroughly thrilled with the beauty that she creates through her art. It's amazing, to say the least. You HAVE to see it on her website. It's a teeny bit outdated, but still incredible. She also has an Instagram page that she posts art updates on that just makes my day. :D

10) She will melt your heart with her gorgeous voice. Okay this one is possibly my favorite. I have had the privilege of hearing Olivia sing a few times in my life. Every single time I just melt inside. Her voice is incredibly excellent. I really can't even describe it. When she sings, she testifies. Particularly of Christ. She's a soprano and I'm alto, so we never stand together in choir. Except for this one time. We had a Saturday rehearsal and I stood right in front of her for the first part of it. I honestly did not do much singing for that first bit. I was so emotional I couldn't sing. I just let her beautiful, beautiful voice wash over me in all its power and testimony. It was so marvelous.

11) Basically, she's the most wonderful human being to know and I love her. She's so lovely. And so brilliant. And so delightful. She has made me so much better. I have become so much more because of her. She builds me up always. I want to be more like her. I love her.


Olivia Jensen. Thank you. FOR EVERYTHING.

She Has Fire Inside

I had always admired those who had this inner flame in them. Who lived with fire. I admired those who left their lives in blazing trails of glory. I wanted to be like those who debated with a passion akin to a space dragon on fire. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be fiery, fierce, and passionate. I hoped to be able to powerfully brand ideas in words presented with passion. I had thought and hoped that someday my fire would add to the glorious passion I saw.

I wanted to find the fire inside of me. 

I wanted and hoped and wished to be like them. I wanted to be fiery, fierce, and passionate. As I went throughout this debate course, I searched with increasing urgency for this fire inside of me. I wanted to debate with passion, logic, and power. I worked incredibly hard. I prepared as much as I could for each debate. I wanted for this fire to come out of me. I lost every debate. This fierceness that I longed for evaded me. I did not find the burning inferno I sought.

Yet, I have fire inside of me. 

My fire wasn't meant to burn or destroy. It wasn't meant to leave my life seared by flame. It wasn't meant to leave things simply ashes of what they were. It wasn't meant to be fiery and powerfully branding. My fire was meant to give warmth and heat. My fire was meant to draw people by it's light. My fire was meant to encourage others to draw near to me, and not further away. At times my fire will burn or singe, but such is the nature of fire. My fire was meant to burn bright. My fire was meant to warm and to heal.

If I am to be completely vulnerable and flawed here, I was not thrilled by this discovery. I wanted to awe people with my fire. I wanted to show them a side of me that they wouldn't expect. I wanted so deeply for this fierce fire to be inside of me. I felt frustrated by the gentleness of my nature. I longed to be seen as a force worth reckoning with, and not simply mediocre. I didn't want this. I didn't want this gentle flame. I wanted to find an edge to me. I wanted to find that I could have just as much grit, just as much passion, as those whom I so admired for their flaming passion.

But I am learning. 

Ohhhhhhh I am learning. 

I have learned that there are many kinds of fire. I learned that the gentle ones, though often overlooked and stepped upon, are important. They make a difference. I learned that my fire is needed. I learned that my fire was given to me for a reason. My fire gives light. My fire keeps others warm. There is value in that.  The healers are needed in this world. The illuminaters of the path are needed. While vastly unseen and largely unrecognized, they are there. The power of healing is just as powerful as the power of destroying. Perhaps it is more powerful: I would advocate that it is so. For many can tear down; few can build.

And thus it is that I discovered there was fire inside of me. Now tell me, for I am insatiably curious, what is your fire? 

Just A Few Words. . .

. . .Sometimes. . .

Sometimes, it is those who love the most that are hurt the deepest. 

Sometimes, it is those who smile the brightest that feel the most dark inside. 

Sometimes, it is those who have it all together that are really falling apart. 

Sometimes, it is those who reach out the most that need the greatest amount of love. 

Sometimes, it is those who seem whole that are shattered inside. 

Sometimes, it is those who appear to succeed who are failing. 

Sometimes, it is those who seem to be living the life that are really dying inside.

Sometimes, we just don't see things as they really are. 

May we ever be a little kinder, a little gentler; a little better.

The Art of Being

I went up to Sedona Arizona recently with friends. That trip was much needed and thoroughly enjoyed. On this trip, I did not bring any technology. I left it all behind. (Well, technically I brought a camera because the historian in me insisted that this trip not go undocumented.) However, I never used the camera. And here's why:

I needed to practice the Art of Being.

Yes, it is an art. I have this problem with being somewhere in body and not in mind. So my body sits here and my mind is miles away. Oftentimes I am pondering some deep subject and that pondering produces wonderful epiphanies and beautiful thoughts. But I'm missing life. I'm missing what's right before me when I do that constantly. I'd had enough. I unplugged and truly focused on being where I was.

Those two days were beautiful. My soul felt so alive. I was rather quiet on the first day because I was simply absorbing so much. I felt as if I had been given new eyes and ears. I felt as if the sunshine was brighter, the colors more vibrant, my friends voices were more rich, the sensation of the wind in my face was more crisp, and the world was laid before me anew. I took it all in. I stared outside my window for hours. I rolled down the window and stuck my hand out as we drove. That may seem small to most of you, but it was so freeing to me. I'd never done it before. The cool wind was blowing and I felt like I was flying. The wind made my outstretched arm feel weightless and the breathtaking views made my heart soar. That was the greatest moment of the entire trip, I think. I was in ecstasy. It was the truest, purest joy that I have felt in a long time.

Not once did I wonder what was happening on social media. Not once did I get lost in deep thought. And that was okay. I felt free and new. I felt like I had learned and gained more wisdom than my hours of pondering could produce. It is absolutely delightful to be in mind where you are in body. I was there. I connected with the Earth. I connected with my friends. I felt grounded and yet free to soar.

I just closed my eyes and felt the joy of Being. What a glorious thing it is to Just Be!!!! To just deeply live and truly connect. It is absolutely magnificent.

I feel like I have been learning a lot about gifts lately. Last time I wrote about the gift of voice. And this is the gift of being. There is such power in simple and authentic living. It is absolutely marvelous. I felt the power of my soul. I felt the exhilaration of living. And I could do it for the rest of my life. Pun totally intended.

I wish I could adequately share with you this powerful feeling of being that I feel! I implore you to try it. Just simply be in mind where you are in body.

Connect. Live. Breathe. Be free.

It is powerful! SO powerful. It is amazing and beautiful and just simply breathtaking. It's a wonderful life we live, my friends.

She Speaks Truth

Lately I have felt a powerful desire to share what I know.

The more truth I learn, the more I see how it applies. And. I want to help people. I want to share what I know. I want to see truth heal them.

I recently talked with a dear friend of mine for just over three hours straight. Not uncommon for friends, I know. But I talked. I am kind of quiet and reserved and often there are so many thoughts in my mind that I don't express. But this time it was different. I spoke. She spoke. We talked of so many things. Of light things. Of joyful things. Of deep things. Of painful things. It was absolutely magnificent and marvelous. As I left that night, my mouth felt sore. Not like it hurt, but like it wasn't used to being used so much. I don't think that I had spoken and expressed my thoughts that much in at least a year if not longer. And I realized what an incredible gift it is to speak. I was able to use this voice of mine to laugh, to sing, and to share truths that I learned. I had spoken.

And I thought: "What am I using this voice for? What words do I want to speak?" I contemplated these questions. I want to speak truth. I want to share what I believe. I want to share what I know. I want to be a girl that people listen to and say: "She speaks truth."

And so the courage to start this blog was found. I've decided that I need to speak. I need to share my unique perspective. This is what this whole blog is about. I've titled it "Ellie's Reality" because it is just that. You'll get to see life through my eyes. It will be very authentic and vulnerable, but it will be my reality. I can promise you it won't be eloquent. It won't always be pretty. It will be flawed. But I can also promise you that it will be beautiful. For I want to share with you the beauty I see. I want to show you what a magnificent world we live in, and hopefully inspire you to go out and experience it. It's the greatest thing. Things as they really are help us to become so much more than if things were the way we want them. So let's embrace things the way they really are and become.

"We make a life by what we give."

(Winston Churchill)  

 So give it everything you've got; give it your all, your whole focus, your whole determination, your whole love, your whole soul.

My Kingdom

My Kingdom

A little kingdom I possess

where thoughts and feelings dwell,

And very hard I find the task

of governing it well;

For passion tempts and troubles me,

A wayward will misleads,

And selfishness its shadow casts

On all my words and deeds.

How can I learn to rule myself,

to be the child I should,

Honest and brave, nor ever tire

Of trying to be good?

How can I keep a sunny soul

To shine along life's way?

How can I tune my little heart

To sweetly sing all day?

Dear Father, help me with the love

that casteth out my fear;

Teach me to lean on thee, and feel

That thou art very near,

That no temptation is unseen

No childish grief too small,

Since thou, with patience infinite,

Doth soothe and comfort all.

I do not ask for any crown

But that which all may win

Nor seek to conquer any world

Except the one within.

Be thou my guide until I find,

Led by a tender hand,

Thy happy kingdom in myself

And dare to take command.

-Louisa May Alcott